Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
A small tragedy.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The French cow says MEUX…
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.