Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I did not eat the cake…
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.