Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me