*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
You Might Also Like
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
consequences, the bane of my existence
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.