HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.