[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
let’s discuss
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”