Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.