My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.