finally found a reasonable question
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
estão todos miauvindo?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
🌱🌱🌱
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.