New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
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I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
<—- homeless romantic
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
🤭😂
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.