Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Discuss
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
had to make it
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog