A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Everyone’s family
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
it must be school picture day
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything