And now we wait
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Happy Friday
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.