“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I really had high hopes for this year though
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB