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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
hackers play passwordle
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro