who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.