A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Brb my Sims are getting married
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi