The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.