The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.