There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Google Pay be like:
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does