It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.