Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.