WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”