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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.