So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.