her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
You Might Also Like
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
is this a threat
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing