Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*