Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
You Might Also Like
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Just got to our Airbnb!
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?