vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.