Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me when someone tries to get to know me
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself