Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
me: why does my back hurt
also me: