So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down