Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances