I know karate and tons of other words.
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[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?