me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Pot warmers of the day.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means