I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.