Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work