When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
oh you wanna fight?!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW