Our lord and savoury.
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
found this cool rock hiking today
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you