So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.