Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
😅🤣😂
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Life is a suicide mission.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.