Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The first matador
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive