born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I did not eat the cake…
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea