i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
You Might Also Like
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
A game married people play.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Please do it!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.