Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I hate everything
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine