I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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Breaking news:
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*