Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.