Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!