I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro