The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
You Might Also Like
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]